1 00:00:00,040 --> 00:00:00,040 25.000 2 00:00:00,160 --> 00:00:01,200 ROWAN 3 00:00:01,200 --> 00:00:02,320 ROWAN ATKINSON 4 00:00:02,320 --> 00:00:08,040 ROWAN ATKINSON LIVE 5 00:00:24,800 --> 00:00:28,520 A WARM WELCOME 6 00:00:47,320 --> 00:00:51,200 Ah hello!. It's nice to see you all here. 7 00:00:51,640 --> 00:00:55,520 Now, as the more perceptive of you have probably realised by now, 8 00:00:55,880 --> 00:00:57,960 this is Hell, 9 00:00:58,200 --> 00:01:00,680 and I am the Devil. 10 00:01:00,760 --> 00:01:02,280 Good evening. 11 00:01:02,360 --> 00:01:05,680 You can call me Toby, if you like 12 00:01:06,160 --> 00:01:08,800 we try and keep things informal here, 13 00:01:09,240 --> 00:01:11,840 as well as infernal. 14 00:01:13,200 --> 00:01:15,920 That's just a little joke. 15 00:01:16,840 --> 00:01:20,960 I tell it every time. Now, you're all here for... 16 00:01:21,400 --> 00:01:23,560 ... eternity! Ooh, 17 00:01:23,800 --> 00:01:27,360 which I hardly need tell you is a heck of a long time, 18 00:01:27,600 --> 00:01:31,160 so you'll all get to know each other pretty well by the end. 19 00:01:31,400 --> 00:01:34,560 But for now I'm going to have to split you up into groups. 20 00:01:34,880 --> 00:01:36,520 Will you stop Screaming! 21 00:01:37,600 --> 00:01:39,480 Thank you. 22 00:01:39,720 --> 00:01:43,440 Now, murderers? Murderers over here, please. 23 00:01:43,520 --> 00:01:45,320 Thank you. 24 00:01:45,600 --> 00:01:48,320 Looters and Pillagers over here. 25 00:01:48,480 --> 00:01:50,600 Thieves, if you could join them, 26 00:01:50,720 --> 00:01:54,120 and Lawyers, you're in that lot too. 27 00:01:58,080 --> 00:02:01,400 Fornicators, if you could step forward? 28 00:02:01,880 --> 00:02:04,640 My God, there are a lot of you! 29 00:02:05,000 --> 00:02:08,440 Could I split you up into adulterers and the rest. 30 00:02:08,680 --> 00:02:11,880 Male adulterers, if you could just form a line in front of 31 00:02:12,120 --> 00:02:14,920 that small Guillotine in the corner. 32 00:02:20,280 --> 00:02:22,760 Em... The French, are you here? 33 00:02:30,960 --> 00:02:34,360 If you could just like to come down here with the Germans. 34 00:02:35,880 --> 00:02:38,640 I'm sure you'll have plenty to talk about. 35 00:02:40,520 --> 00:02:41,920 Okay, 36 00:02:42,400 --> 00:02:46,040 Em... atheists? Atheists over here please. 37 00:02:46,080 --> 00:02:50,560 You must be feeling a right bunch of Nitwits. 38 00:02:52,280 --> 00:02:53,280 Never mind. 39 00:02:53,960 --> 00:02:56,840 And finally, christians. Christians? 40 00:02:57,080 --> 00:03:00,440 Ah, yes, I'm sorry but I'm afraid the Jews were right. 41 00:03:00,680 --> 00:03:04,320 If you would come down here, that would be really fine. Thank you. 42 00:03:04,400 --> 00:03:05,320 Okay! 43 00:03:05,360 --> 00:03:07,040 Right, well are there any questions? 44 00:03:07,120 --> 00:03:08,040 Yes. 45 00:03:08,120 --> 00:03:11,680 No, I'm afraid we don't have any toilets 46 00:03:11,920 --> 00:03:17,760 If you read your Bible, you might have seen that it was damnation without relief, 47 00:03:19,960 --> 00:03:22,720 so if you did not go before you came, 48 00:03:22,840 --> 00:03:25,440 then I'm afraid you're not going to enjoy yourself very much, 49 00:03:25,680 --> 00:03:27,760 but then I believe that's the idea. 50 00:03:28,000 --> 00:03:31,000 Okay. Well, it's over to you, Adolf! 51 00:03:31,240 --> 00:03:34,440 And I'll catch you all later at the barbecue. Byee!" 52 00:03:40,160 --> 00:03:42,400 FATAL BEATINGS 53 00:03:51,400 --> 00:03:54,240 Well now, Mr. Perkins. It was good of you to come in. 54 00:03:54,480 --> 00:03:56,360 I realise that you're a busy man, 55 00:03:56,600 --> 00:04:00,800 but I didn't think this matter could be discussed over the electric telephone. 56 00:04:01,040 --> 00:04:05,200 No. No, absolutely, Headmaster, I mean, if Tommy is in some sort of trouble, 57 00:04:05,200 --> 00:04:06,800 then I'd like to nip it in the bud. 58 00:04:06,840 --> 00:04:09,160 Well, quite frankly, Tommy is in trouble. 59 00:04:09,400 --> 00:04:13,040 Recently his behaviour has left a great deal to be desired. 60 00:04:13,120 --> 00:04:14,040 Dear. 61 00:04:14,120 --> 00:04:17,840 He seems to take no interest in school life whatsoever. 62 00:04:18,320 --> 00:04:21,480 He refuses to muck in at the sports field. 63 00:04:21,720 --> 00:04:25,840 And it's weeks since any master has received any written work from him. 64 00:04:25,920 --> 00:04:27,120 Oh, dear me. 65 00:04:27,360 --> 00:04:31,360 Quite frankly, Mr Perkins, if he wasn't dead, I'd have him expelled. 66 00:04:43,720 --> 00:04:45,600 I beg your pardon? 67 00:04:45,840 --> 00:04:48,560 Yes, EXPELLED! 68 00:04:52,040 --> 00:04:56,040 If I wasn't making allowances for the fact that your son is dead, he'd be out on his ear! 69 00:04:56,280 --> 00:05:00,160 - Tommy, is dead? - Yes. He's lying up there in sick bay now, 70 00:05:00,560 --> 00:05:03,480 stiff as a board and bright green, 71 00:05:03,720 --> 00:05:07,280 and this is, I fear, typical of his current attitude. 72 00:05:08,960 --> 00:05:11,440 You see, the boy has no sense of moderation 73 00:05:11,680 --> 00:05:14,760 one moment he's flying around like a paper kite, 74 00:05:14,880 --> 00:05:17,680 and the next moment he's completely immovable. 75 00:05:17,800 --> 00:05:20,440 And beginning to smell. 76 00:05:20,960 --> 00:05:22,920 Well, how did he die?! 77 00:05:23,360 --> 00:05:27,000 - Well, is that important? - Why, yes, I think so! 78 00:05:28,920 --> 00:05:31,880 Well... Well... Well, it's all got to do with the library, you see. 79 00:05:31,920 --> 00:05:35,640 We've had a lot of trouble recently with boys taking out library books 80 00:05:35,720 --> 00:05:37,320 without library cards. 81 00:05:37,560 --> 00:05:42,560 Your son was caught, and I administered a beating, during which he died. 82 00:05:43,000 --> 00:05:48,080 But you'll be glad to know... You'll be glad to know that the ringleader was caught, 83 00:05:48,320 --> 00:05:52,400 so I don't think we'll be having any trouble with library discipline. 84 00:05:52,640 --> 00:05:54,920 - You see, the library card system... - I'm sorry... 85 00:05:55,040 --> 00:05:56,120 ...was... 86 00:05:56,160 --> 00:05:59,920 - You beat my son to death? - Yes, yes, so it would seem. 87 00:06:00,040 --> 00:06:02,000 Please, I'm not used to being interrupted. 88 00:06:02,400 --> 00:06:04,760 You see, the library card system was introduced... 89 00:06:04,800 --> 00:06:06,000 Well, exactly what happened? 90 00:06:06,040 --> 00:06:09,400 Well, apparently, boys were just slipping into the library and taking the books! 91 00:06:10,160 --> 00:06:12,160 No, during the beating! 92 00:06:12,400 --> 00:06:13,840 Oh, that? Well... 93 00:06:14,000 --> 00:06:17,160 well, one moment he was bending over, the next moment he was lying down, I mean, er... 94 00:06:17,400 --> 00:06:19,920 - Dead? - Mmm... deadish!... 95 00:06:20,800 --> 00:06:26,320 Mr.Perkins, I find this morbid fascination with your son's death 96 00:06:26,560 --> 00:06:31,040 quite disturbing. What I'm talking about is his attitude! 97 00:06:31,760 --> 00:06:34,360 And quite frankly, I can see where he gets it from. 98 00:06:34,480 --> 00:06:36,720 Well, it wasn't me that beat my son to death! 99 00:06:36,760 --> 00:06:40,240 Well, that was perfectly obvious to me from the first day he arrived here. 100 00:06:40,360 --> 00:06:41,760 I wondered then, as I wonder now, 101 00:06:41,800 --> 00:06:44,480 if he might not have turned out a very different boy indeed 102 00:06:44,720 --> 00:06:48,960 if you had administrated a few fatal beatings earlier. 103 00:06:50,360 --> 00:06:54,080 - Are you mad!? - I'm FURIOUS! 104 00:06:55,200 --> 00:07:00,640 In order to accommodate the funeral, I had to cancel afternoon school on Wednesday! 105 00:07:01,800 --> 00:07:04,720 - This is preposterous! - Yes, it is. 106 00:07:05,520 --> 00:07:07,640 Or at least, it would be... 107 00:07:08,640 --> 00:07:11,040 if it were true. 108 00:07:16,400 --> 00:07:19,280 - ...What? - I've been joking, Mr Perkins. 109 00:07:20,040 --> 00:07:23,600 Pardon me, it's my strange academic sense of humour. 110 00:07:24,200 --> 00:07:28,200 - I've been pulling your leg. - Oh, thank God! 111 00:07:28,440 --> 00:07:32,400 I wouldn't cancel afternoon school to bury that little shit! 112 00:07:34,360 --> 00:07:38,120 AND NOW FROM NAZARETH, THE AMAZING... 113 00:07:50,680 --> 00:07:54,960 And on the third day, there was a marriage in Cana of Galilee. 114 00:07:55,360 --> 00:07:59,280 And it came to pass that all the wine was drunk. 115 00:07:59,760 --> 00:08:02,600 And the mother of Jesus said unto the Lord: 116 00:08:02,840 --> 00:08:04,920 "They have no more wine". 117 00:08:05,320 --> 00:08:09,840 And Jesus said unto the servants: "Fill six waterpots with water." 118 00:08:10,560 --> 00:08:12,480 And they did so. 119 00:08:12,720 --> 00:08:16,920 And when the steward of the feast did taste of the water from the pots, 120 00:08:17,160 --> 00:08:19,760 it had become wine. 121 00:08:20,200 --> 00:08:25,600 And they knew not whence, it had come. 122 00:08:26,960 --> 00:08:29,400 But the servants did know. 123 00:08:29,640 --> 00:08:33,000 And they applauded loudly in the kitchen. 124 00:08:40,960 --> 00:08:46,720 And they said unto the Lord: "How the hell did you do that?" 125 00:08:49,400 --> 00:08:54,200 And inquired of him "Do you do children's parties" 126 00:08:58,200 --> 00:09:00,040 And the Lord said: 127 00:09:00,480 --> 00:09:02,640 "No". 128 00:09:03,040 --> 00:09:08,280 But the servants did press him, saying: "Go on, give us another one!" 129 00:09:10,480 --> 00:09:12,840 And so he brought forth a carrot. 130 00:09:13,640 --> 00:09:17,640 and said: "Behold this, for it is a carrot." 131 00:09:18,160 --> 00:09:21,320 And all about him knew that it was so. 132 00:09:22,800 --> 00:09:25,280 For it was orange, 133 00:09:26,080 --> 00:09:28,600 with a green top. 134 00:09:29,040 --> 00:09:33,040 And he did place a large red cloth over the carrot, and then removed it 135 00:09:33,280 --> 00:09:37,040 and lo, he held in his hand, a white rabbit. 136 00:09:38,000 --> 00:09:44,000 And all were amazed, and said: "This guy is really good!" 137 00:09:45,480 --> 00:09:48,480 "He should turn professional." 138 00:09:49,240 --> 00:09:53,520 And they brought him on a stretcher a man who was sick of the palsy. 139 00:09:53,760 --> 00:09:59,440 And they cried unto him: "Maestro, this man is sick of the palsy." 140 00:09:59,680 --> 00:10:04,080 And the Lord said: "If I had to spend my whole life on a stretcher, 141 00:10:04,560 --> 00:10:08,280 I'd be pretty sick of the palsy, too!" 142 00:10:08,520 --> 00:10:11,240 And they were filled with joy. 143 00:10:11,480 --> 00:10:14,720 And cried out: "Lord, thy one-liners are 144 00:10:14,840 --> 00:10:16,640 as good as thy tricks. 145 00:10:16,880 --> 00:10:21,280 Thou art indeed an all-round family entertainer." 146 00:10:22,640 --> 00:10:27,840 And there came unto him a woman called Mary, who had seen the Lord and believed. 147 00:10:28,080 --> 00:10:30,040 And Jesus said unto her: 148 00:10:30,440 --> 00:10:32,960 "Put on a tutu, 149 00:10:33,440 --> 00:10:35,920 and lie down in this box." 150 00:10:36,160 --> 00:10:40,960 And then took he forth a saw and cleft her in twain. 151 00:10:41,920 --> 00:10:45,440 And there was much wailing and gnashing of teeth. 152 00:10:45,680 --> 00:10:49,240 But Jesus said: "Oh ye of little faith!" 153 00:10:50,040 --> 00:10:54,160 And he threw open the box and lo, Mary was whole. 154 00:10:54,640 --> 00:10:57,880 And the crowd went absolutely bananas. 155 00:10:58,400 --> 00:11:01,480 And Jesus and Mary took a big bow. 156 00:11:01,720 --> 00:11:07,120 And he said unto her: "From now on you shall be known as Sharon, 157 00:11:08,560 --> 00:11:11,800 for that is a good name for an assistant." 158 00:11:12,240 --> 00:11:15,560 And the people said unto him: "We've never seen anything like this. 159 00:11:15,800 --> 00:11:19,760 This is great. You must be the Son of God." 160 00:11:19,880 --> 00:11:24,160 But the Lord said: "No. I am he who comes before." 161 00:11:24,400 --> 00:11:26,560 And they were amazed, and said: 162 00:11:26,680 --> 00:11:29,360 "Master how shall we know the true Lord." 163 00:11:29,480 --> 00:11:33,800 And jesus said: "By his name shall you know him." 164 00:11:33,920 --> 00:11:36,720 And he shall have a very religious name. 165 00:11:36,960 --> 00:11:39,440 And he shall be call Paul. 166 00:11:39,880 --> 00:11:42,560 And Daniel, shall he be call' 167 00:11:43,040 --> 00:11:46,040 Paul Daniels! They cried. 168 00:11:46,480 --> 00:11:48,200 And the Lord said: 169 00:11:48,920 --> 00:11:50,520 Yes. 170 00:11:50,760 --> 00:11:52,760 Something like that. 171 00:11:53,000 --> 00:11:55,280 Here endeth the lesson. 172 00:12:00,720 --> 00:12:04,600 INVISIBLE MAN 173 00:12:07,480 --> 00:12:11,880 And now, in the latest of our series, "A Day In the Life", 174 00:12:12,120 --> 00:12:17,080 We present: "A Day In The Life of the Invisible Man". 175 00:12:21,000 --> 00:12:25,000 Every morning, I go to work by tube. 176 00:12:26,160 --> 00:12:28,160 Very soon however. 177 00:12:28,160 --> 00:12:32,920 I get bored and decide to start annoying other passengers. 178 00:12:34,200 --> 00:12:37,920 I usually select the most respectable person I can find 179 00:12:38,160 --> 00:12:41,920 and blow gently into his left ear. 180 00:12:49,400 --> 00:12:52,480 Then, into his right ear. 181 00:12:54,160 --> 00:12:56,600 Then perhaps down the back of his neck. 182 00:12:57,400 --> 00:13:01,240 It's about this time that the man thinks I am a draft. 183 00:13:03,680 --> 00:13:05,760 But not for long. 184 00:13:06,000 --> 00:13:10,320 Because I soon stick two fingers up his nose. 185 00:13:13,840 --> 00:13:18,800 Higher and higher! Removing them just before he sneezes. 186 00:13:28,440 --> 00:13:32,880 Then I start to manipulate some other limbs. 187 00:13:43,680 --> 00:13:46,120 Now I leave him alone. 188 00:13:49,080 --> 00:13:51,640 For about 10 seconds. 189 00:13:57,960 --> 00:14:02,120 And when he is at his most vulnerable, I kick him in the groin. 190 00:14:10,920 --> 00:14:13,440 And steal his seat. 191 00:14:24,320 --> 00:14:27,440 THE GOOD LOSER 192 00:14:38,400 --> 00:14:40,960 Welcome back to the Oliver Theater Awards 193 00:14:41,080 --> 00:14:44,280 and we come now to the award for Best Actor of the year. 194 00:14:44,320 --> 00:14:46,400 And the nominations for this year are: 195 00:14:46,440 --> 00:14:48,800 Al Pacino for "Death of a Salesman" 196 00:14:49,040 --> 00:14:51,480 Kenneth Branagh for "Richard III" 197 00:14:51,720 --> 00:14:55,040 And then two actors both in the same remarkable new play, 198 00:14:55,160 --> 00:14:58,240 "Stench" by Harold Barkworthy. 199 00:14:58,360 --> 00:15:01,840 And the nominees are John Daniels in the role of Mr. Trotter. 200 00:15:02,080 --> 00:15:05,120 And David Forbert in the role of Mr. Gannet. 201 00:15:05,360 --> 00:15:08,160 Now, these are four fine actors and I�m sure they all agree 202 00:15:08,280 --> 00:15:11,000 that the point is not to win, but to play the game... 203 00:15:11,120 --> 00:15:13,400 And the winner is... 204 00:15:14,920 --> 00:15:16,240 John Daniels! 205 00:15:16,320 --> 00:15:17,920 Oh, SHIT! 206 00:15:19,720 --> 00:15:22,560 Unfortunately, John is unable to be with us tonight. 207 00:15:22,840 --> 00:15:26,880 So I would like to ask his co-star David Falbert to accept the award on his behalf. 208 00:15:26,960 --> 00:15:28,480 David! 209 00:15:39,480 --> 00:15:40,640 David? 210 00:15:40,960 --> 00:15:44,560 David! Perhaps you�d like to say a few words? 211 00:15:52,080 --> 00:15:54,200 Thank you Vanessa. 212 00:15:56,680 --> 00:16:00,800 Ladies and gentleman, what a delight it is to accept this award 213 00:16:01,280 --> 00:16:04,880 on behalf of my close personal, 214 00:16:05,200 --> 00:16:08,520 acquaintance, John Daniels. 215 00:16:08,960 --> 00:16:11,800 John cannot unfortunately accept it himself 216 00:16:12,040 --> 00:16:14,320 because he is in Hollywood. 217 00:16:14,560 --> 00:16:17,800 staring in his first major film role... 218 00:16:18,280 --> 00:16:20,680 with Meryl Streep. 219 00:16:20,920 --> 00:16:24,120 I am however, NOT in Hollywood, 220 00:16:25,040 --> 00:16:30,960 not having been offeredeven a minor role in a 8mm pornographic movie! 221 00:16:32,280 --> 00:16:35,880 But what a delightful object it is that John has won. 222 00:16:36,120 --> 00:16:39,720 Although I am sure I will very soon receive one myself, 223 00:16:39,960 --> 00:16:45,680 when I next buy ten gallons of petrol at a Texaco. 224 00:16:48,120 --> 00:16:50,240 So what is it that Johnny has got 225 00:16:50,280 --> 00:16:54,240 that makes him stand apart from other actors of his generation? 226 00:16:54,280 --> 00:16:56,760 Well, I think we all know the answer to that one... 227 00:16:57,160 --> 00:16:59,480 syphilis! 228 00:17:01,640 --> 00:17:04,840 And what a great and heart warming thing it is. 229 00:17:05,360 --> 00:17:10,600 That he has already started passing it on to a whole new generation of young actors. 230 00:17:11,360 --> 00:17:13,880 Of course, to win an acting award is always a great honor, 231 00:17:14,000 --> 00:17:17,680 but to receive one here in the heart of London�s famous West End 232 00:17:17,720 --> 00:17:23,320 on an occasion such as this HUGELY diminishes that honor. 233 00:17:24,520 --> 00:17:28,880 What could be more dull than the sordid, back-slapping sessions 234 00:17:29,120 --> 00:17:34,120 where has-beens in tuxedos hand over to even OLDER has-beens in tuxedos, 235 00:17:34,360 --> 00:17:37,720 awards for plays that closed the WEEK before the opened, 236 00:17:37,960 --> 00:17:41,000 because the audience were clamoring instead for tickets to 237 00:17:41,040 --> 00:17:44,320 Andrew Lloyd Webber�s LATEST re-arrangementof Evita, 238 00:17:44,560 --> 00:17:47,960 to suture vocal range of Kylie Minogue. 239 00:17:49,520 --> 00:17:53,920 Therefore, I cannot say what a delight it is that John has wonthis award instead of me. 240 00:17:54,000 --> 00:17:57,600 And I should like to announce my retirement from the acting profession, 241 00:17:57,640 --> 00:18:02,160 in order to begin a lifetime of work amongst the mentally handicapped. 242 00:18:02,640 --> 00:18:05,240 In which capacity I look forward to meeting all the members 243 00:18:05,320 --> 00:18:08,320 of the judging panel, very soon. 244 00:18:13,200 --> 00:18:15,920 ELEMENTARY DATING 245 00:18:21,800 --> 00:18:25,400 Good evening, and welcome to the Boston University Huntington Theatre. 246 00:18:25,680 --> 00:18:30,800 For this the second part of the course in "Elementary Courting for Man" 247 00:18:31,320 --> 00:18:35,840 May I say, how festal I am with tonight turn-out, same 800 people. 248 00:18:36,120 --> 00:18:38,240 It is very gratifying. 249 00:18:38,520 --> 00:18:40,520 Tonight we will look at the first date. 250 00:18:40,760 --> 00:18:44,280 Obviously, taking out a girl for the first time is a very complex issue. 251 00:18:44,320 --> 00:18:48,240 The first crucial step is having arranged to pick up your date, 252 00:18:48,560 --> 00:18:51,560 not to look like a complete idiot when she opens the door. 253 00:18:59,160 --> 00:19:02,880 Best to look as your attention has been momentarily distracted 254 00:19:08,160 --> 00:19:12,840 But when you do notice her, it is vital to say how pretty she is looking straightaway. 255 00:19:13,760 --> 00:19:16,120 But, don�t overdo it. 256 00:19:22,920 --> 00:19:27,360 If at this point you are introduced to her parents, attitude is all important. 257 00:19:27,600 --> 00:19:29,800 You can be too casual. 258 00:19:32,200 --> 00:19:34,760 But you can be too keen. 259 00:19:44,840 --> 00:19:48,720 When you say goodbye to the parents, again don�t overdo it. 260 00:19:51,320 --> 00:19:53,600 Lead her to your car. 261 00:19:54,320 --> 00:19:57,320 And remember to open door. 262 00:19:59,000 --> 00:20:02,000 Once in the car, there are various ways of driving. 263 00:20:02,240 --> 00:20:04,240 If you drive like this... 264 00:20:13,760 --> 00:20:15,880 You might lose her respect. 265 00:20:16,120 --> 00:20:18,320 If you drive like this... 266 00:20:32,760 --> 00:20:35,400 You should taken a taxi. 267 00:20:35,640 --> 00:20:39,080 Before long you will arrive at the restaurant, get out of the car... 268 00:20:44,720 --> 00:20:47,320 and escort her to your table. 269 00:20:47,840 --> 00:20:50,720 Then tuck her in to her seat... yourself... 270 00:20:55,680 --> 00:20:58,160 And attract the waiter�s attention. 271 00:21:11,640 --> 00:21:16,640 Selecting from the wine list is important. Complete ignorance is not good. 272 00:21:19,720 --> 00:21:22,840 When the bottle arrives, there is much to be made of the tasting of the wine. 273 00:21:23,120 --> 00:21:25,480 But, don�t be too professional. 274 00:21:39,080 --> 00:21:42,840 With eating, again, moderation is the order of the day. 275 00:21:43,080 --> 00:21:45,400 Don�t eat too fast... 276 00:21:53,320 --> 00:21:55,960 But don�t eat too slowly. 277 00:22:04,360 --> 00:22:08,320 Next is receiving the bill. This is very important moment. 278 00:22:08,560 --> 00:22:12,320 You must be sure not to lose your cool. This is right... 279 00:22:16,680 --> 00:22:19,040 This, is wrong... 280 00:22:34,560 --> 00:22:39,720 The girl may of course, offer to pay herself. In which case, you should, refuse. 281 00:22:39,800 --> 00:22:42,240 For a while. 282 00:22:42,920 --> 00:22:45,600 Next stop is a fashionable dicotheque. 283 00:22:49,360 --> 00:22:53,480 Once inside you might look slightly strange if you try to talk over the music. 284 00:22:53,720 --> 00:22:57,080 So stand casually and look sexy. 285 00:23:01,560 --> 00:23:03,960 This is good. 286 00:23:06,200 --> 00:23:08,360 This is better. 287 00:23:09,720 --> 00:23:12,480 This, is starting to be misguided... 288 00:23:13,600 --> 00:23:17,000 After stance, dance technique is most important. 289 00:23:17,240 --> 00:23:20,720 Most people don�t know how to dance and so they do too much... 290 00:23:21,720 --> 00:23:24,160 Other people do too little. 291 00:23:27,840 --> 00:23:33,440 Some people dance as if they had something in there bottom. 292 00:23:35,120 --> 00:23:39,400 And others people dance as if they had something coming out there bottom. 293 00:23:42,320 --> 00:23:46,160 When all said done is best probable not to dance of the whole. 294 00:23:46,640 --> 00:23:49,600 Well mimed sports injury is always useful 295 00:23:49,840 --> 00:23:52,320 and a good excuse for leaving the discotheque. 296 00:23:53,120 --> 00:23:58,480 You don't found up, 20 minutes later should be back at your place. 297 00:24:00,720 --> 00:24:03,800 It is important to relax and make your guest feels at home 298 00:24:04,080 --> 00:24:09,800 She'll probably feels nervous is you do and is no need to make any extra special effort. 299 00:24:20,680 --> 00:24:22,600 Then puting on the music 300 00:24:22,840 --> 00:24:25,000 One can't help you with the choice of CD. 301 00:24:25,040 --> 00:24:27,240 In no matter what in these circumstances, 302 00:24:27,360 --> 00:24:30,840 Donnie and Marie Osmonds greatest hits would be a mistake. 303 00:24:36,960 --> 00:24:41,480 Above all, avoid the temptation to brag about your stereo. 304 00:24:49,960 --> 00:24:54,600 Now comes the moments you'll be wait for, the seduction. 305 00:24:55,480 --> 00:24:59,440 This, is the subject of next week lecture. 306 00:25:03,520 --> 00:25:06,920 Although as a rough guide, this is right. 307 00:25:10,360 --> 00:25:14,000 And this, I think you�ll agree, disastrous. 308 00:25:21,480 --> 00:25:25,960 GUYS AFTER THE GAME 309 00:25:31,640 --> 00:25:34,200 Ha, good evening, gentlemen. 310 00:25:34,520 --> 00:25:37,520 No, no, no. That�s no problem. Come in, please. 311 00:25:37,440 --> 00:25:42,120 Although, although, perhaps if we could keep that delightful singing down a little bit. 312 00:25:43,400 --> 00:25:46,400 Obviously plenty of refreshment at the football game. 313 00:25:46,640 --> 00:25:48,240 No, no. Come in, do. 314 00:25:48,480 --> 00:25:51,120 No, no. That table is reserved. 315 00:25:51,360 --> 00:25:53,880 It is also a table for two people. 316 00:25:54,120 --> 00:26:00,280 Perhaps, perhaps this table might be more suitable for... nine. 317 00:26:00,960 --> 00:26:03,600 If you�d like to step this way, gentlemen, please. 318 00:26:04,000 --> 00:26:07,600 Ah dear, let me help you up, sir. 319 00:26:08,240 --> 00:26:11,160 No, no, it is a tricky bit of floor,that. 320 00:26:12,200 --> 00:26:16,240 Er, deceptively flat. 321 00:26:16,480 --> 00:26:19,400 If you would like to take a seat. 322 00:26:19,880 --> 00:26:22,880 Er, yes, perhaps... on the chair. 323 00:26:25,000 --> 00:26:26,000 There we are. 324 00:26:26,080 --> 00:26:30,640 Now, what would anybody...? Quiet! Quiet! Quiet, quiet, gentlemen, please. 325 00:26:30,920 --> 00:26:33,480 What would anybody like to drink? 326 00:26:34,320 --> 00:26:37,040 Nine pints of lager. 327 00:26:39,120 --> 00:26:42,240 Eighteen pints of lager. 328 00:26:42,480 --> 00:26:44,760 Eighteen pints of lager! 329 00:26:48,040 --> 00:26:51,880 Now, if you�d just like to take a menu. Just pass those round. 330 00:26:52,120 --> 00:26:54,320 There... and one for you, sir. 331 00:26:54,760 --> 00:26:57,960 Oh dear, there we go! Straight onto the floor. 332 00:26:58,240 --> 00:27:00,520 Here, let me pick it up for you. 333 00:27:01,640 --> 00:27:03,280 Oh, and again. I�ll tell you what, 334 00:27:03,520 --> 00:27:06,080 try and grip it, sir, 335 00:27:06,320 --> 00:27:08,920 on either side, between the thumb and the four fingers. 336 00:27:08,960 --> 00:27:11,040 If you grip, it won�t always fall on the floor. 337 00:27:11,160 --> 00:27:13,960 I�ll tell you what. Why don�t we just put it on the table? 338 00:27:14,200 --> 00:27:18,280 Here, let me rest it against your friend�s... head. 339 00:27:20,080 --> 00:27:21,680 There we are! There, that should be fine. 340 00:27:21,920 --> 00:27:24,600 Right, now what would anybody like to eat? 341 00:27:26,840 --> 00:27:28,840 Erm, oh, it is a lamb dish, sir. 342 00:27:29,080 --> 00:27:34,400 Yes, marinated lamb in coconut, with a cream sauce. Very nice. 343 00:27:35,800 --> 00:27:39,800 No, not **** hot, sir. 344 00:27:41,560 --> 00:27:45,960 It is a... how can I put it? 345 00:27:46,760 --> 00:27:50,160 It is a medium spiced dish. 346 00:27:50,680 --> 00:27:54,880 Oh, well in that case, no, in that case you want the Bombay duck. 347 00:27:55,680 --> 00:27:59,920 No, no, duck, no, duck, duck, with D 348 00:28:00,240 --> 00:28:03,680 Ho, I see, it was your little joke. 349 00:28:06,440 --> 00:28:08,720 Very funny. 350 00:28:09,080 --> 00:28:11,840 Well done, well done everybody on that one. 351 00:28:11,960 --> 00:28:13,280 That was very good. 352 00:28:13,360 --> 00:28:16,760 No, it is the Seekh Kebab 353 00:28:17,000 --> 00:28:20,560 that is like two little... turds. 354 00:28:21,800 --> 00:28:25,880 The Shami Kebab is a sort of a mince and onion rissole. 355 00:28:26,200 --> 00:28:30,400 A bit like cow-dung, sir. Yes, but in smaller portions, in fact. 356 00:28:31,480 --> 00:28:34,800 Ah, Raji, thank you. If you�d like to put the drinks down. 357 00:28:35,040 --> 00:28:37,600 Well, can we move your friend? 358 00:28:37,840 --> 00:28:41,240 Perhaps if we just roll him. That's a great idea if we just roll him 359 00:28:41,360 --> 00:28:44,960 out of his cutlery... and into the mango chutney. 360 00:28:45,000 --> 00:28:48,120 Don�t worry, he�ll be fine there. Thank you, Raji. 361 00:28:50,160 --> 00:28:52,800 Now, would anybody like any "Raita"? 362 00:28:52,880 --> 00:28:56,920 That�s a kind of a yoghurt dip, sort of onion and cucumber. 363 00:28:57,280 --> 00:29:00,600 Yes, look, I think we'd better wake up your friend here. 364 00:29:00,840 --> 00:29:02,800 Well, no he�s not just having a little nap. 365 00:29:02,920 --> 00:29:07,040 He�s having a little nap face down in a pitcher of beer. 366 00:29:07,400 --> 00:29:10,160 He�s going to drown. 367 00:29:12,000 --> 00:29:16,120 Well... Oh dear! No, no, don�t worry, sir. Much better out than in. 368 00:29:16,840 --> 00:29:20,400 Don�t you worry about it. Don�t you worry about a thing. 369 00:29:20,920 --> 00:29:26,720 That just leaves all the more room for your... chicken curry, thank you very much. 370 00:29:26,800 --> 00:29:30,960 Do you know what your friend here might like to eat? 371 00:29:31,480 --> 00:29:32,960 Hello? 372 00:29:33,520 --> 00:29:36,240 What would you like to eat? 373 00:29:36,960 --> 00:29:39,320 A hot dog. 374 00:29:40,080 --> 00:29:42,960 Okay, I�ll see what I can do. 375 00:29:43,320 --> 00:29:45,520 So let me just go back on this, please. 376 00:29:45,800 --> 00:29:49,560 We want a cucumber Raita, an onion Raita, 377 00:29:49,800 --> 00:29:52,600 a paperback Raita, 378 00:29:55,400 --> 00:29:58,560 but I�m presuming that�s a joke. 379 00:29:59,120 --> 00:30:01,720 Four meat curry, one Bombay duck, four rice, 380 00:30:01,800 --> 00:30:04,800 four Shami Kebab and a hot dog. 381 00:30:05,040 --> 00:30:07,760 And anything else for starters? 382 00:30:08,000 --> 00:30:12,880 Just some poppadoms and salad and yoghurt then shit. 383 00:30:17,240 --> 00:30:20,280 Okay, I�ll see what I can do. 384 00:30:20,520 --> 00:30:24,000 Although I�m not sure you�ll be needing that last item, 385 00:30:26,000 --> 00:30:29,640 as you all seem quite full enough of shit already. 386 00:30:29,760 --> 00:30:31,640 Raji, Raji, come on! 387 00:30:33,560 --> 00:30:38,560 IT STARTED WITH A SNEEZE 388 00:36:50,640 --> 00:36:55,640 All creatures of our God and King 389 00:36:56,400 --> 00:37:02,320 Lift up your voice and with us sing 390 00:37:02,400 --> 00:37:05,280 Alle-lu-ia 391 00:37:05,320 --> 00:37:10,400 Alle-lu-ia... 392 00:37:10,440 --> 00:37:16,440 Thou burning sun with golden beams 393 00:37:16,440 --> 00:37:23,000 Thou silver moon with softer gleam 394 00:37:23,040 --> 00:37:29,520 O, praise Him O, praise Him 395 00:37:32,000 --> 00:37:33,680 Alle-lu-ia 396 00:37:33,760 --> 00:37:36,920 Alle-lu-ia 397 00:37:37,360 --> 00:37:40,120 Alle-lu-ia 398 00:37:40,440 --> 00:37:41,440 ... lu-ia... 399 00:37:41,480 --> 00:37:43,360 ... lu... 400 00:37:43,520 --> 00:37:47,440 ia... 401 00:37:52,360 --> 00:37:55,160 WITH FRIENDS LIKE THESE... 402 00:37:55,440 --> 00:38:00,360 Do you have ever one of those days when everything seems to go wrong? 403 00:38:00,600 --> 00:38:05,960 I did, and unfortunately, it was my wedding day. And three men in particular were to brame. 404 00:38:06,200 --> 00:38:08,760 It all started with the priest. 405 00:38:09,880 --> 00:38:13,840 I now pronounce you man and wife... 406 00:38:14,960 --> 00:38:16,160 well done. 407 00:38:16,280 --> 00:38:19,280 You may now kiss the bride... 408 00:38:22,320 --> 00:38:24,520 Nice one. 409 00:38:24,760 --> 00:38:26,480 All right, please be seated everybody. 410 00:38:26,520 --> 00:38:31,000 I'd just like to say a few words before the communion. 411 00:38:31,360 --> 00:38:35,880 You know, a lot of prospective brides ask me these days, 412 00:38:36,640 --> 00:38:41,480 "Father, what is the church's attitude towards fellatio?" 413 00:38:48,840 --> 00:38:52,680 And I tend to reply by telling them a little story 414 00:38:52,920 --> 00:38:56,240 about the first time I was asked that question. 415 00:39:08,400 --> 00:39:11,160 It was a couple of years ago, 416 00:39:11,640 --> 00:39:14,760 a young attractive bride to be came up to me after the service 417 00:39:14,840 --> 00:39:17,040 and asked me just that question. 418 00:39:17,160 --> 00:39:21,240 "Father, what is the church's attitude towards fellatio?" 419 00:39:21,560 --> 00:39:26,640 And I replied, "Well, you know, Joanne, I'd like to tell you, 420 00:39:26,880 --> 00:39:31,800 but unfortunately, I don't know what fellatio is!" 421 00:39:33,960 --> 00:39:36,680 And so, she showed me. 422 00:39:38,080 --> 00:39:41,080 And ever since, whenever anyone has asked me the question 423 00:39:41,320 --> 00:39:45,000 "Father, what is the church's attitude towards fellatio?" 424 00:39:45,240 --> 00:39:50,400 I always reply, "Well, you know, I'd like to tell you... 425 00:39:51,160 --> 00:39:54,800 but unfortunately, I don't know what fellatio is!" 426 00:40:06,120 --> 00:40:09,600 Next, came my trusted best man. 427 00:40:10,040 --> 00:40:13,440 Um, all right, er... right, well... huh-huh, huh-huh, right, erm... 428 00:40:14,720 --> 00:40:19,760 ladies and gentlemen and fellow survivors of that stunning stag party... 429 00:40:19,840 --> 00:40:21,760 how did those two girls get under the table 430 00:40:21,840 --> 00:40:24,960 and what the hell were they up to with that toothpaste? 431 00:40:26,960 --> 00:40:29,280 Er... er, right, well, erm... well, er... when, 432 00:40:29,360 --> 00:40:32,720 just before I left the house, huh-huh, erm, this afternoon, 433 00:40:33,000 --> 00:40:37,120 huh-huh, I said to myself, you know, the last thing you must do is forget your speech. 434 00:40:37,160 --> 00:40:39,760 Er... mmm, well and sure enough, erm, 435 00:40:39,800 --> 00:40:44,600 erm, when I left the house... whoops! Ha-ha, er... mm m, 436 00:40:44,840 --> 00:40:49,360 the last thing I did... ha-ha, yes, you guessed it, well, was to forget my speech. 437 00:40:50,120 --> 00:40:53,640 So, erm... so it's all ad lib, I'm afraid. 438 00:41:13,680 --> 00:41:18,040 Er... er, er, er,... right, well, well, well, dear me, well now, now, when should I begin, 439 00:41:18,360 --> 00:41:21,160 haha-ha, I'd like to begin now. 440 00:41:21,160 --> 00:41:25,480 Huh-huh, er, right, well, well, well, 441 00:41:25,520 --> 00:41:28,920 I've known the groom ever since we first went to school together at the age of eight. 442 00:41:29,160 --> 00:41:33,440 And you know, he hasn't changed a bit. 443 00:41:34,800 --> 00:41:39,080 Erm, well, that's not quite true, of course. He didn't have his beard then, huh-huh, erm, 444 00:41:40,400 --> 00:41:42,920 and I'll tell you this, he wouldn't have been able to do 445 00:41:43,160 --> 00:41:48,120 whatever he was doing last night with those two extraordinary, 446 00:41:49,800 --> 00:41:53,720 extraordinary, erm... extraordinary how little people change, isn't it? 447 00:41:56,040 --> 00:41:58,000 Huh-huh, yes, erm... er, although, I know I changed a great deal 448 00:41:58,040 --> 00:42:01,240 because I used to be an absolute ass, 449 00:42:02,360 --> 00:42:05,200 always bleating things out when I shouldn't, for instance, this afternoon. 450 00:42:05,440 --> 00:42:07,960 I'm sure I wouldn't have been able to resist 451 00:42:08,040 --> 00:42:11,840 mentioning the bizarre sight that greeted my eyes 452 00:42:12,080 --> 00:42:16,040 when I opened this man's bedroom door earlier this morning, er... mmm. 453 00:42:18,800 --> 00:42:20,200 Yes, but, but, erm, enough of that, huh-huh, 454 00:42:20,280 --> 00:42:22,280 he started making gestures at me now, which I think, 455 00:42:22,520 --> 00:42:27,160 huh-huh, means he wants me to cut my speech short, erm. 456 00:42:28,000 --> 00:42:31,720 So, suffice to say that I'll think he'll make a ripping husband, erm... 457 00:42:31,960 --> 00:42:35,480 then, I think his wife, ripping, too. 458 00:42:35,720 --> 00:42:39,480 Huh-huh. And I can only hope that, that the dress will hold out, er, huh-huh, erm... so, 459 00:42:42,760 --> 00:42:45,560 so, I'd like to propose a toast, 460 00:42:46,000 --> 00:42:48,520 erm, to go with the pate, 461 00:42:52,200 --> 00:42:56,520 huh-huh... erm, huh-huh, to the groom and to his lovely horse, erm, wife, huh-huh. 462 00:42:57,560 --> 00:43:00,400 It's all, it's all starting to come back to me now, huh-huh, erm, 463 00:43:01,120 --> 00:43:06,520 And I just to know that their marriage will be as happy and satisfying as I was 464 00:43:06,800 --> 00:43:11,400 when I paid off those two prostitutes earlier this morning... cheers! Huh-huh... 465 00:43:22,560 --> 00:43:25,600 And finally, my loving father-in-law 466 00:43:25,840 --> 00:43:29,440 provided the perfect end to a perfect day... 467 00:43:37,760 --> 00:43:43,680 Ladies and gentlemen and friends of my daughter. 468 00:43:47,960 --> 00:43:51,720 There comes a time in every wedding reception 469 00:43:51,960 --> 00:43:59,320 when the man who paid the for the damn thing is allowed to speak a word or two of his own. 470 00:43:59,760 --> 00:44:02,960 And I should like to take this opportunity, 471 00:44:03,200 --> 00:44:06,080 sloshed as I may be, 472 00:44:06,320 --> 00:44:11,240 to say a word or two about Martin. 473 00:44:12,760 --> 00:44:15,760 As far as I'm concerned, 474 00:44:15,800 --> 00:44:23,600 my daughter could not have chosen a more delightful, charming, witty, responsible, 475 00:44:23,840 --> 00:44:27,240 wealthy, let's not deny it, 476 00:44:27,480 --> 00:44:33,200 well-placed, good-looking and fertile 477 00:44:34,160 --> 00:44:37,360 young man than Martin as her husband. 478 00:44:38,040 --> 00:44:41,760 And I therefore ask the question 479 00:44:42,000 --> 00:44:47,120 "Why the hell did she marry Gerald instead?" 480 00:44:51,320 --> 00:44:56,080 ... because Gerald is a sort of man we used to describe at school 481 00:44:56,640 --> 00:44:59,440 as a complete prick! 482 00:45:02,480 --> 00:45:06,240 If I may use a gardening simile here, 483 00:45:06,680 --> 00:45:10,880 if his entire family may be likened to a compost heap 484 00:45:11,280 --> 00:45:13,960 and I think they can 485 00:45:14,200 --> 00:45:17,440 then Gerald is the biggest weed growing out of it. 486 00:45:17,680 --> 00:45:21,400 I think he's a sort of man people emigrate to avoid. 487 00:45:22,200 --> 00:45:26,000 I remember the first time I met Gerald, I said to my wife 488 00:45:26,240 --> 00:45:30,360 she's the lovely woman propping up that old lush of a mother of his 489 00:45:30,600 --> 00:45:35,160 either this man is suffering from serious brain damage 490 00:45:35,400 --> 00:45:39,240 or the new vacuum cleaner's just arrived. 491 00:45:41,560 --> 00:45:47,960 As for his family, they are quite simply the most intolerable herd of steaming social animals 492 00:45:48,240 --> 00:45:51,160 that I have ever had the misfortune of turning my nose up to. 493 00:45:51,440 --> 00:45:55,720 I spurn you as I would spurn a rabid dog. 494 00:45:56,160 --> 00:45:58,960 I would like to propose a toast 495 00:46:00,040 --> 00:46:02,520 to the caterers. 496 00:46:08,560 --> 00:46:13,680 And to the pigeons who crapped on the groom's family's limousine at the church. 497 00:46:16,200 --> 00:46:20,640 Er... as for the rest of you around this table not directly related to me, 498 00:46:21,160 --> 00:46:23,800 you can sod off. 499 00:46:24,040 --> 00:46:28,960 I wouldn't trust any of you to sit the right way on a toilet seat. 500 00:46:34,800 --> 00:46:38,320 PINK TIGHTS AND PLENTY OF PROPS 501 00:46:42,560 --> 00:46:45,520 Right. Good morning everyone. Settle down now, please. 502 00:46:45,760 --> 00:46:49,320 Now, as you may know we were hoping to have Mr. Jeremy Irons 503 00:46:49,560 --> 00:46:52,640 with us this morning, talking to us about Acting in the Cinema. 504 00:46:52,880 --> 00:46:58,640 Unfortunately, Mr. Irons has had to cancel due to an unforeseen awards ceremony. 505 00:46:59,760 --> 00:47:03,200 But I have been able to procure the services of a local actor, 506 00:47:03,240 --> 00:47:07,760 Mr. Bernard Huffer, who was luckily not busy. 507 00:47:08,000 --> 00:47:11,440 So, is my pleasure now, to read for Mr. Huffer 508 00:47:11,520 --> 00:47:15,240 as he illustrates his own lecture on Shakespearean acting 509 00:47:15,520 --> 00:47:20,240 entitled "The Actor's Art". 510 00:47:48,960 --> 00:47:52,320 So, "The Actors Art" by Bernard Huffer. 511 00:48:01,320 --> 00:48:05,080 At the center of the Elizabethan world, sits the King. 512 00:48:06,520 --> 00:48:11,080 Upon the character of the King depends the plot and so there are many kinds of Kings. 513 00:48:11,320 --> 00:48:13,720 The Benign King... 514 00:48:15,600 --> 00:48:18,800 The Benign King with a physical defect... 515 00:48:23,040 --> 00:48:26,360 The Mad King... 516 00:48:27,800 --> 00:48:30,160 The Evil King. 517 00:48:31,280 --> 00:48:35,760 The Evil King hatching a plot. 518 00:48:37,040 --> 00:48:41,960 The Mad King hatching an egg. 519 00:48:50,160 --> 00:48:54,280 An important part was also played by messengers, distinguishable into many types. 520 00:48:54,520 --> 00:48:57,720 The Messenger Enters Bearing Good News... 521 00:49:09,120 --> 00:49:12,480 The Messenger Enters Bearing Bad News... 522 00:49:28,600 --> 00:49:31,480 The Messenger Enters Bearing Indifferent News... 523 00:49:59,760 --> 00:50:03,360 The Messenger Enters Bearing Bad News Which He Thinks Is Good News... 524 00:50:19,400 --> 00:50:25,200 Death came swift and often in this brutal world. 525 00:50:31,320 --> 00:50:35,480 Death could come at the hands of a total stranger. 526 00:50:46,200 --> 00:50:52,320 Or it could come at the hands of one's closest friend. 527 00:51:05,640 --> 00:51:11,240 Poison was particularly popular, applied to the frothing cup of ale of the unsuspecting victim. 528 00:51:11,680 --> 00:51:15,480 First we look at the simple poisoning kill. 529 00:51:29,280 --> 00:51:35,640 And then, the Villain attempting to use poison. 530 00:51:53,880 --> 00:51:56,560 But in the end all of these are merely devices, 531 00:51:56,680 --> 00:52:00,080 amounting to nothing whatsoever without the plot. 532 00:52:01,240 --> 00:52:04,520 At the center of the plot lies the hero, who is King. 533 00:52:10,280 --> 00:52:12,600 He has a twin brother. 534 00:52:14,680 --> 00:52:16,920 Who is a villain. 535 00:52:17,240 --> 00:52:19,760 With a physical defect. 536 00:52:20,440 --> 00:52:24,240 War comes and the hero must lead his men into battle. 537 00:52:27,840 --> 00:52:31,800 At the gates, the hero's mistress waits to bid her lover farewell. 538 00:52:45,840 --> 00:52:49,520 And the villain's mistress bids her lover farewell also. 539 00:53:12,080 --> 00:53:14,600 The war rages on for many years. 540 00:53:17,920 --> 00:53:22,440 Until at last the messenger arrives with the bad news of the death of the hero. 541 00:53:26,200 --> 00:53:28,840 So the villian becomes king. 542 00:53:30,600 --> 00:53:32,920 But the message was wrong. 543 00:53:33,160 --> 00:53:35,840 And years later, the hero returns. 544 00:53:38,240 --> 00:53:40,400 In disguise. 545 00:53:44,760 --> 00:53:49,440 Revealing his identity to the audience with a serepticious wink. 546 00:53:53,080 --> 00:53:56,640 But his brother the villian, recognizes him 547 00:53:56,880 --> 00:53:58,880 and they fight! 548 00:54:04,840 --> 00:54:08,000 Finally, the villain is mortally wounded. 549 00:54:09,440 --> 00:54:11,800 He dies... 550 00:54:14,760 --> 00:54:17,000 ... In character. 551 00:54:20,160 --> 00:54:22,960 Our hero wins his rightful throne 552 00:54:23,200 --> 00:54:29,200 and celebrates with frothing cup of ale, found by the side of his Brother's throne. 553 00:54:39,440 --> 00:54:44,920 THOMAS, RICHARD AND HAROLD 554 00:54:53,160 --> 00:54:56,400 Ashes to ashes. Amen! 555 00:54:57,720 --> 00:55:01,320 We are gathered here today on this beautiful autumn morning 556 00:55:01,560 --> 00:55:05,200 to pay our last respects to Thoman Fairclough, 557 00:55:05,440 --> 00:55:08,960 Richard Mason and Harold Walker. 558 00:55:09,200 --> 00:55:13,680 Tom, Dick and Harry. 559 00:55:14,280 --> 00:55:16,240 As they were known to all of us. 560 00:55:16,480 --> 00:55:21,560 Three stout fellows of our community who will be sorely missed. 561 00:55:22,880 --> 00:55:25,680 Tom, sadly, was blind 562 00:55:26,320 --> 00:55:32,920 an affliction he bore with great fortitude. Especially considering he was also deaf. 563 00:55:33,680 --> 00:55:37,000 His only power was that of speech and song. 564 00:55:37,280 --> 00:55:41,360 And we all recall his enormous voice. 565 00:55:41,640 --> 00:55:44,920 Joining lustly in hymn singing. 566 00:55:45,760 --> 00:55:49,360 Of course, being blind and deaf, 567 00:55:50,080 --> 00:55:54,320 Tom never actually knew what hymn he was singing, 568 00:55:55,080 --> 00:56:01,480 which seemed appropriate because we never knew what hymn he was singing, either. 569 00:56:01,840 --> 00:56:07,360 In fact, if we had to be frank with each other, Tom didn't actually know any hymns. 570 00:56:07,600 --> 00:56:10,560 aaaaa So it was with deep gratitude we recall day when 571 00:56:10,800 --> 00:56:18,400 Colonel Grant, using only sense of touch, through the medium of a clenched fist, 572 00:56:19,320 --> 00:56:22,200 actually broke through to Tom 573 00:56:22,440 --> 00:56:25,480 and got him to SHUT UP! 574 00:56:27,040 --> 00:56:32,520 Leading guidance through the darkness of life, Tom was lucky to have a friend like Dick. 575 00:56:32,960 --> 00:56:38,560 Dick had perfect eyesight, and would gladly lead Tom wherever he wanted to go. 576 00:56:39,360 --> 00:56:43,320 Unfortunately since Dick was deaf, 577 00:56:43,800 --> 00:56:48,280 he couldn't actually here where Tom wanted to go! 578 00:56:48,720 --> 00:56:53,840 Yet, like Tom, Dick never complained about his afflictions, did he? 579 00:56:54,400 --> 00:56:56,200 Well he couldn't. 580 00:56:56,480 --> 00:56:58,400 He was dumb; 581 00:56:58,720 --> 00:57:02,280 but, blessed with gift of vision, though stone deaf, 582 00:57:02,560 --> 00:57:07,240 he was a tremendous fan of Olivia Newton-John. 583 00:57:09,520 --> 00:57:13,240 Being such an idiosyncratic pair, deaf to the world about them, 584 00:57:13,320 --> 00:57:16,920 Tom and Dick were to have the permanent companionship of Harry. 585 00:57:17,000 --> 00:57:19,880 Harry could literally here a pin drop. 586 00:57:20,680 --> 00:57:26,360 Though, being blind and dumb, he could neither see to pick it up. 587 00:57:26,800 --> 00:57:30,320 nor warn anyone else not to stand on it. 588 00:57:30,840 --> 00:57:34,600 So, as individuals, they were sadly afflicted, 589 00:57:35,000 --> 00:57:40,240 but together they were in possession of all of God's senses, weren't they. 590 00:57:40,520 --> 00:57:45,040 And it is toghther, that we remember them. 591 00:57:45,800 --> 00:57:49,640 Together, at their job, checking eggs at the battery farm. 592 00:57:51,000 --> 00:57:53,040 Dick would look for the cracks, 593 00:57:53,280 --> 00:57:55,960 Tom would complaint to the foreman, 594 00:57:56,040 --> 00:57:59,920 and Harry would do the listenning to Radio One. 595 00:58:01,440 --> 00:58:06,880 Likewise in the evening when they have return from work they all sit on the big red couch. 596 00:58:07,280 --> 00:58:12,200 Dick watching the television, Harry listening to the television 597 00:58:12,440 --> 00:58:17,240 and Tom insisting that is time to buy a television. 598 00:58:18,960 --> 00:58:21,120 Sadly as we all know, 599 00:58:21,880 --> 00:58:26,240 three days ago, their peaceful lives were ended. 600 00:58:26,960 --> 00:58:30,880 Dick saw the combine harvester 601 00:58:33,640 --> 00:58:38,680 Harry heard the combine harvester, but neither could cry out. 602 00:58:38,720 --> 00:58:44,400 Tom, who could have cried out, never had the faintest idea what hit him. 603 00:58:46,040 --> 00:58:52,640 And so, they were all harvester together. Blended into oneness, at last. 604 00:58:52,720 --> 00:58:59,200 And now we trust are in heaven, as happy as any, with that immortal host. 605 00:58:59,720 --> 00:59:03,320 Dick will see the angle's choir, 606 00:59:03,600 --> 00:59:07,120 Harry will hear the angle's choir, 607 00:59:07,560 --> 00:59:12,200 and no doubt, Tom will ruin it for everybody. 608 00:59:14,760 --> 00:59:19,320 NO ONE CALLED JONES 609 00:59:31,040 --> 00:59:34,200 Alright, come on, settle down please. 610 00:59:36,000 --> 00:59:38,120 Answer your names. 611 00:59:39,760 --> 00:59:41,760 Anus. 612 00:59:45,840 --> 00:59:47,840 Arsebandit. 613 00:59:52,040 --> 00:59:54,040 Bottom. 614 00:59:57,120 --> 00:59:59,040 Clitoris. 615 01:00:00,600 --> 01:00:03,000 Where are you, Clitoris? 616 01:00:08,680 --> 01:00:10,440 Dodo. 617 01:00:12,080 --> 01:00:13,880 Enema. 618 01:00:16,520 --> 01:00:18,400 Fistup 619 01:00:22,400 --> 01:00:25,360 Come on, grow up please. 620 01:00:30,680 --> 01:00:32,640 Genital. 621 01:00:35,800 --> 01:00:38,240 I'm sorry, Genital. 622 01:00:41,880 --> 01:00:43,760 Herpes. 623 01:00:44,840 --> 01:00:47,680 Still with us I see. 624 01:00:50,720 --> 01:00:52,680 Imadick. 625 01:00:56,240 --> 01:00:58,240 Imadick! 626 01:00:59,640 --> 01:01:02,560 Enema, you know Imadick don't you? 627 01:01:08,960 --> 01:01:10,880 Jaculation. 628 01:01:11,880 --> 01:01:13,840 Myprick. 629 01:01:15,440 --> 01:01:17,920 Has anybody seen Myprick? 630 01:01:19,400 --> 01:01:22,360 Come on! Somebody must have seen Myprick! 631 01:01:24,240 --> 01:01:27,720 Very well. Remind me to beat Myprick a bit later. 632 01:01:32,280 --> 01:01:34,200 Nicenquick. 633 01:01:35,920 --> 01:01:37,840 Ontop. 634 01:01:38,960 --> 01:01:42,880 Pube. Ahhh, Myprick! So nice of you to turn up. 635 01:01:43,720 --> 01:01:46,800 Yes. Well now that you are here Myprick, perhaps you'd like to find a seat. 636 01:01:47,320 --> 01:01:50,600 Bottom, squeeze Myprick in there somewhere will you? 637 01:02:01,480 --> 01:02:03,400 Rigid. 638 01:02:04,360 --> 01:02:09,040 Our Russian exchange student, Suckmeoff. 639 01:02:16,120 --> 01:02:18,040 Tightfit. 640 01:02:18,760 --> 01:02:20,760 Upyours. 641 01:02:21,520 --> 01:02:23,280 Vulva. 642 01:02:23,360 --> 01:02:24,640 Yourprick. 643 01:02:24,720 --> 01:02:28,040 And Zipper. Zipper? 644 01:02:29,760 --> 01:02:31,240 Absent. 645 01:02:31,560 --> 01:02:36,400 Now boys, the headmaster has asked me to speak to you this morning on the subject of smut. 646 01:02:38,360 --> 01:02:41,920 All mmbers of staff have noticed an alarming increase of the use of silly humour 647 01:02:42,040 --> 01:02:44,440 and puerile innuendo about the school. 648 01:02:44,520 --> 01:02:47,520 Rigid, Fistup, Bottom, Out! 649 01:02:53,280 --> 01:02:56,680 There have been some disgusting doodlings on the walls of the lavatories. 650 01:02:56,720 --> 01:02:59,280 Sit up straight Ontop. 651 01:02:59,880 --> 01:03:02,320 One or two unpleasant health magazines have been found. 652 01:03:02,440 --> 01:03:06,880 If you fall asleep Ontop, I shall be VERY annoyed. 653 01:03:09,800 --> 01:03:13,920 And Mr Hardon tells me that there has been a great deal of sniggerin in his biology class. 654 01:03:13,960 --> 01:03:16,560 Tightfit, for heaven's sake, leave Yourprick alone! 655 01:03:19,200 --> 01:03:22,760 I don't care, Yourprick had no business poking into your desk in the first place. 656 01:03:23,000 --> 01:03:25,520 I will not put up with this kind of behaviour boys, 657 01:03:25,560 --> 01:03:29,280 and neither, must I warn you will Mr. Gripbighardcock. 658 01:03:29,320 --> 01:03:31,520 This is a school for the sons of gentlemen, 659 01:03:31,640 --> 01:03:34,240 and the theory is that someday you will become a gentleman too. 660 01:03:34,360 --> 01:03:39,760 That is with the exception of Genital, who appears to be turning into a ferret. 661 01:03:40,640 --> 01:03:43,760 So there will be an end to this second form toilet humour 662 01:03:43,800 --> 01:03:47,960 where so much conversation is devoted to smutty double entendre. 663 01:03:48,120 --> 01:03:51,640 Dodo Suckmeoff Nicenquick, detention Saturday. 664 01:03:52,800 --> 01:03:54,640 Right, I'm going to the staffroom now, 665 01:03:54,880 --> 01:03:59,520 but if I come back and catch Herpes in the corridor like the headmaster did yesterday, 666 01:04:01,120 --> 01:04:02,800 then there'll be trouble!